Edinburgh Festival Fringe – a comedian’s diary

By August 16, 2019

Comedy. Edinburgh.

Micky P Kerr is a comedian now playing at Underbelly Edinburgh 31 July – 26 August. Here, he shares a personal account of his time performing and partying at the Festival.

I’ve just got high and decided to write this diary. I’m 8 gigs in and I’ve been here 10 days. I’m living in student accommodation with 9 other people and we share a kitchen. It’s nice. The electric cooker is shit and the dials don’t have any numbers on them. I couldn’t work out which way was hot and I put the pan on the wrong hob fucking twice. Twice! It took me 45 minutes to cook a stir fry (excluding food preparation time).

Tuesday 6th August 2019
Gig was shit. Probably even shitter than the other shit one I did. I was feeling depressed and I was en route to meet a mate from the music days. Whilst walking down the street I was greeted with a Leeds salute, I smiled and saluted back. I was about to walk past when he suddenly walked towards me like he knew me. We were going to talk. I readied myself for conversation. He was wearing a baseball cap and then suddenly he was Jon Richardson. Immediately we began to talk about Leeds and we walked down the street together. He asked me how the gigs were going and I explained I’d just had a bad one and then moaned a lot about what it’s like being a shit comedian. He then asked if I wanted a pint and I did. We went to a restaurant bar and as soon as we got there a load of women on a table starting shouting a waving at us. We got a pint (Morretti) and I offered to pay but only mildly as he’s minted. The excited gaggle of women came over and we did pictures. They wanted me in the picture as well and I totally felt famous as fuck, this inclusion has probably impressed Jon.

As we attempted to chat I realised Jon was really sound and my Mrs is obsessed with him so I knew she’d like this story. However, it turns out that chatting to Jon Richardson in public means that every 8 seconds someone comes and asks for a picture. They just keep coming. I no longer felt famous because I wasn’t wanted in any of those photos. Eventually, I decided to make myself useful and just started taking the photos for them. Every now and then we’d sip our pints but most of the time I just took photos of Jon for other people. As we left we arranged to watch the Leeds game on Saturday together and off we went in our different directions. I suddenly realised that I felt loads better. I wasn’t sure whether it was because out of completely nowhere Jon Richardson had been really nice to me and then suddenly become my friend or because I’d just had a pint of Morretti. Turns out it was both.

I walked to meet my old mate Gary. He was with his bird and another couple. They seemed nice but also rather tame. We had a couple of drinks and I went off again to meet another mate, Chris Washington for a pint after I text him saying I wanted a pint. We went about town drinking places and I think I did some moaning. We ended up at bar called Abattoir (which is harder to spell than you think), absolutely fucked because I’d accidentally also smoked loads of weed. Chris said ‘Fuck it, let’s not stay awake till 8 pm and just go and get a takeaway and go home’.

As I walked into my kitchen holding a takeaway box I decided to immediately create a party atmosphere by being loud and obnoxious. It worked and about 6 of us were partying around the communal kitchen. I wanted to go to sleep but when you’re partying with Tony Slattery (who I live with) you don’t just go to bed stoned. You do drunken sketch routines and laugh like fuck at each other being daft. Eventually, the party must have ended because I woke up in bed. Someone just said they saw us all outside at 4 am smoking weed and then I remembered getting Tony a little stoned. It probably ended shortly after that.

Wednesday 7th August 2019
I woke up feeling like shit. I slept in till about midday and did everything slowly. I missed Rach and the kids so I FaceTimed them but nobody answered. I’d seen a little video of my boy bouncing and I felt really proud. Then I remembered that I had nearly run out of boxer shorts. Washing them hasn’t even crossed my mind because that would involve attempting to wash them and that was something I wasn’t willing to contemplate. Rach does all the washing and I’ve lost my confidence with it, I’m genuinely unsure of whether I know what to do anymore. I had to buy some. I asked a lady who lives in our flat where I should go cause I never shop. She’s 5 years younger than me but I still treat her like my mum, because someone’s gotta look after me. I ended up at H&M. Am I large or extra large? I went for large but I’ve not tried them on yet and I sincerely hope they’re not bollock grinders.

I had a 10 spot at the Mash House at 4pm. As I walked to the venue I got caught in a thunderstorm and got fucking soaked to the bone. I went on stage all damp and looking like I’d been dragged through a bin. My performance was shit. I totally fucked up my routines and did some shit crowd work. I didn’t even bother exit flyering the gig. I’m getting sick of being shit now.

I rushed to my hour show. Once again I was pretty shit. Last two shows have been hard work and I’ve got Judy Murray coming tomorrow and also a corporate company. I need tomorrow to go well. The fact that Judy is coming is pretty mental. I decided to message her about my plan to get her to stand up after I play her song. She messaged back saying of course and she wants a pint afterwards. The fact that I’ve got a relationship with Judy Murray is hilarious and sometimes just makes me laugh out loud. She seems so sound as well. Then I got high and realised my laptop was broken. Wouldn’t turn on. I did drop it slightly a week ago and that is probably the reason it won’t switch on. However, something tells me that if I give it to someone else they might be able to fix it ’cause I refuse to understand anything with wires in it.

Thursday 8th
Overall the gig was shit. I really hoped the crowd would be with me but they weren’t. A few good moments. I met Judy before and we hugged. I played her song and she stood up, the crowd loved it. I wonder how much she’d cost to hire for the full month. We chatted afterwards over a pint and she’s genuinely sound. As we were talking, an ex-international Scottish goal keeper approached us and joined the conversation. He seemed okay and I’d usually be quite excited about talking with an international footballer but he’s Scottish so it doesn’t count. Went out and got pissed with Chris, Mike and Josh. Afterwards, I came home and got really stoned with Bret. I challenged him to a game of table tennis and he’s actually really good! I’ve got loads of respect for him now. It surprised me.

Friday 9th
Gig went well. Crowd were on board and I definitely put more energy into my performance. Wish that corporate had seen this show. I’m fucking brilliant when the show goes well. Had to shoot off to Glasgow to play another show. The crowd were amazing and I got a lift back to Edinburgh with Angelos Epithimious from shooting stars. Nice guy. He’s really posh and called Dan. The conversation nearly stalled a few times but we got through it ok.ay He talked about how Angelos is a real character that he met once and then did some impressions of what he first said to him. It was funny as fuck. Then we talked music, he loves Stone Roses and knows Mani. Had some good stories. Got high and went to bed. I’ve been stoned every day since I’ve been here. Hopefully, it’ll run out soon.

Saturday 10th
Only had one drink last night and I woke up feeling like shit. I’ve learned an important lesson today – don’t have a day off drinking. My show sold out today and for the first time this Edinburgh I broke my routine of not having a beer before I go on. I had to have one because I’d not drink enough the night before and felt terrible. My performance was average and the crowd were okay. Sell out so at least there was an atmosphere I could latch on to. Got the train to Glasgow, still felt tired. Did the show and smashed it, reminded myself of how a comedy show should be. Got the train back and it was delayed and boring. When I arrived in Edinburgh some people who’d seen me in Glasgow and been on the train back to Edinburgh approached me and we had a chat. They were from Edinburgh. Whilst I was walking home it occurred to me. They lived in Edinburgh, home to the biggest comedy festival in the world and travelled to Glasgow to watch some comedians that they’d never heard of. What a bunch of fucking mentalists. Got stoned and listened to The Fall and The The. It’s the first time I’ve not listened to at least one 1992-94 oasis song.

Sunday 11th
Watched Angelos show. He was decent but the crowd was wank for him. Everyone was soaked. The rain is biblical up here and I’m spending 80% of my life drenched and shivering. Did my show and I’m performing it better I think. Crowd was decent enough, lost them on the swearing beatbox though. Wankers. Had a pint with a couple of mates and went for the train. Back home to see my family. My boy is only 5 months and I think he’s forgotten who I am. Can’t wait to cuddle everyone.

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